closure?

hey. haven't been here for quite a while. i haven't missed this place, how could i , i was stuck in my own little drama..but i am thinking, i need to practice closure. so even though this is not good bye, at least until i gather myself up and can think without fog in my head, i am going to take a break. i think i will have to hand over my FB account to someone too. i hate it when my pet hotties, specially this particular friend, is being bought off my hands by his own brother.

so , half the year is gone. i resolved to live differently this year so let us review and see where we are. what did i do differently this year that i had no guts to do the previous years? not that u need to care about it, i am just going to document it so that maybe later when i am back here, i could amuse myself a little. i have a feeling i will need it.

i cut my hair. really short. i spent every given moment with a friend who would be leaving the country in a couple of weeks. i had taken her for granted so much. i told someone i loved them. i finally stood up to my father. and we have never ever accepted each other this way. i have three gorgeous cashmere shawls to show for it :) I also modeled. HA. never will do it again, but it was fun. i took a loan, the biggest mistake of my life and i also started to study something i like. i started to blog. i went hitchhiking with my father. i spent an entire evening selecting clothing material with my mother. why because we like materials. i got promoted. never had that before.

ok so for now, i guess i am good. i am tired...i am going to take a break..all this relationship building and working my way up the ladder, trying to make sense of what i say , letting people go ( there are couple of people around i wanna beg asking them not to go ) pretend that i have a life, is tiring me out.

good bye. for now.

my dog had an accident

um..ok so that sounds lame but the thing is the dog is now depressed. and i am serious.

woke up around 10 today , went down to get my tea , and there was dad , smiling weirdly..

he says "oh guess what? i was on a call..and the dog came up to me and started sorta barking..i didn't pay attention coz i thought she was being herself and besides i was on a call.."

i squint my eyes not knowing where this is going..i do look around for the dog but she is nowhere to be seen...she could usually be traced if u look behind my father or brother or any human being near by..

dad : " she was going back and forth to the door...there were people outside..i thought she wants to u know..bark at them or something.."

i nod. dogs' favourite past time. bark bark bark. at people she already knows..jumping around their ankles , confusing them..making them wonder out loud, "is she going to bite me? or is she being playful??? " well as far as i am concerned, she will neither bite nor play. she just loooooves barking.

anyways..dad continues : " um..by the time i finished the call...she had had a bit of an accident. well, not a bit. but a big accident. yeah...it's my fault really"

oh dear.

i call for the dog..the dog timidly enters the kitchen..stands about 5 feet away from us , looking at the floor. jeez. the dog is guilty. my poor poor dog.

see, for the 3 years of her life, she has never ever had an accident , inside the house.

i tried playing with her..coaxing her to take a walk with me..my father petted her..but the dog is now depressed . she sat near the big window looking outside for a while and i went to pet her..she walked away..and currently is hiding in my father's room.

what do i do?

Monday Blues..

12.45pm

Notes

Deranged. Yet somehow steady. Spaced out. But somehow still here.

count on a blissfully ignorant person to save me by a pickle :)

of distance and love

"Distance to love is like wind is to fire..it enkindles the great , extinguishes the little"

It is a wonder to me how some people manage love so easily. It is a bigger wonder how they manage distance when it is called for...

Me? I can seem to manage neither.

Jason Wade and my Sunday...

wake up at 8 something ..roll over and switch on the lap top with one thought in my mind..."Jason Wade"...i think the sister who left home early in the morning was humming something..find him..listen to his music...look at him...how can you not fall in love with this guy??

get up and get dressed reluctantly...got to go to work..i know. I KNOW. its sunday. 12 noon, dead line to hand in the assignment to class. 11.40. leave office. 11.59. hand over the assignment. write a big "HA!" next to time of handing over.

come home. back to Jason Wade. ..

Amazing Grace

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That sav’d a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears reliev’d;
How precious did that grace appear,
The hour I first believ’d!

Thro’ many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;’
Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promis’d good to me,
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who call’d me here below,
Will be forever mine.


John New­ton, Ol­ney Hymns (Lon­don: W. Ol­i­ver, 1779)

5th of June at BMICH - Hall no 2

now i was going through Lady Divine's blog and well, it made me even more depressed at the begning ..the though that some of us are so broken half the time certainly didn't help. but then i saw this entry about what happened at the exam hall and i remembered !! jeez !!! that was a good day , albeit the horrible horrible paper.

5th June . 1pm .

i enter the hall, with my friend who was waiting by the front steps at BMICH. walk in to see my best friends' sister who introduces me to this lady like person who extends her hand and says "nice to meet you middle child .." turn around, ex colleague. ex class mate. thank God no ex boy friend !! walk to the wash room, meet a friend cum colleague in shorts. laugh at him , back on my way to the wash room. meet my sisters' friend fondly known as Dobby , and also highly admired by the likes of me. the guy is an absolute charmer. always always thought so. known him forever, never talked to him properly coz i get the butterflies when i see him so i hide behind my sister . every time. only recently my sister had the chance to introduce us coz i finally got some guts.

so this guy walks up to me, and i am like "oh dear !! he saw me " and he goes "heyyyyy" all warm and friendly. me? "hi". oh wow , says he. "u cut ur hair !!!" he noticed???? i touch my hair lightly. "um. yeah i did. " "oh my GOD !! u cut ur hair " "yes yes i did" "wow"..i laugh a little. "turn around, turn around " ..so there i was doing a full 360 so that he could see my short hair , and while i was turning, i was thinking "whoa !!! "

text sister . "DOBBY" . sister replies. "good for u. now concentrate"

back in my seat. 2 guys pass me. weren't we in the same class some time back? oh dear is that the client over there waving at me ?? turn around, wave at an old friend who did 1st stage with me who is now married and have a baby. look a little further , the midget guy i had a crush on back in stage 2 who taught me Analysis and Evaluation. doesn't seem to see me.

sighhhh. it was a good day. more like a party. all the waving and smiling and chatting and Dobby. albeit the horrible horrible paper.

let me..

i sit here in a daze. i wanna disappear, bit by bit, finger by finger, please let me disappear,let white empty silence of loneliness swallow me up..make me disappear...i will go willingly, i will not scream, nor put up a fight...i welcome the mist of tragedy, the sorrow that happiness is delusional. lived within these walls didn't i? so brave to do so ,wasn't i ? blamed the past didn't i?




"let us not unman each other. part at once. All farewells should be sudden, when forever"

I look like hell..

I look like hell for the second consecutive day.

I have lost my temper in a rather dramatic manner ,said a couple of hundred stupid things and have cried like a maniac during the past 48 hours..

I was walking in to the office a little while back after sitting in the IT dept waiting for the IT guy to figure out how to do his job and on my way back i saw my reflection in a glass door.

I do look like hell .

exams and bosses

what is it about these bosses that make them so bloody self righteous. the fact of the matter is they don't really care about u at all. all they want is that data analysed, that report done, that presentation completed. so what if u have an exam paper coming Thursday and a 400 page course book sits on ur table waiting to be opened. and be shocked that you haven't even read some pages yet.

been working like a dog from Jan up until now. most weekends, day and night..they jump up and down in glee when a strategy is right and the client seems happy...but all glory is theirs , i am just the woman behind the scenes. and they come up to you and say "good work !!!" . what for, if you can't even get one day off to study?

i tried to quit once. very well knowing these people are a bunch selfish bitches and arse holes.

but i was somehow talked in to staying. "there;s so much more you can do . finish off what you started"

but i am here and i am working still and i have a paper on Thursday and i am going to have a nervous breakdown any moment.

these assholes !!!

Lightening on my Sunday..

I was sitting in class near the big windows , a new class room today with one green wall and matching green chairs, and i got there late as it was raining , determined to concentrate only on the lecturer ( last Sunday i was distracted by a book nearby and i read a whole chapter without realizing the lecturer was staring at me ) when suddenly I looked away from him and looked outside and saw a beautiful bolt of lightening stretching from the skies right down to earth.

and sitting there looking outside, i realized , i had no idea how to photograph lightening.