on a saturday morning..

you've done it all. felt bad. depressed. wanted to kill your self and blogged about it. I have done that too. ( refer : Denial/I envy you/The releif of loneliness/borderless sucks...etc..)

but there comes times when nothing makes it right.

you know you have been there, done that, come out of the whole drama, even managed to shurg your shoulders at some point and be ok.

but there comes times , the past sneaks up on you suddenly you remember every word, every emotion, every night you spent being depressed and insomniac...

...like yesterday.

chapter 25

"I adore people who can cry their hearts out.

They cry so passionately in pain. Tears flow freely from their eyes... Their faces wet and they shudder with emotion.

My envy is marked by my own inability to let my tears run in abandon. I hold it in, tell my self that I am not hurting, put it aside and move on. 23 years of practice has made me a stone hearted half a human being. I am cold. And I wish I could for once, cry like them. The fortunate folk.

Sigh...Will I ever be that romantic??

I feel deep when I hurt, it runs to the depths of my soul, the pain clear cut, blinding me, like a white sudden light in the darkness.

But I can never cry.

I am like that cursed eagle who became nothing."

random talk

malli :"Dude, u believe in God?"

Me: "yep"

malli: "u believe he cares?"

Me: "nope"

malli:" u know what? u and i..."

Me: "...aren't that different??"

malli: "yep"

Me: *grin*


took him 18 years to figure that out . I have been here longer.

spendaholism

whatever that is, I suffer from it.

why am i talking about it now is because i realised, with the arrival of Nimal this evening who brings our mail that i suddenly have bills to pay that i didn't have before my pay raise a couple of months back. it is as if i have somehow , (semi/sub/un)consciously found ways to spend the whole freaking salary.

This decease makes me spend every last penny i have. say at any given time i have 2000 rupees? it will not stay in my wallet for more than a day..it just doesn't stay.
say i spend 1800 on various good for nothings ..and i still have 200 right? what do i do with it? take a trishaw home. leaving me with nothing.

so i visit the ATM again the following morning..

if it is a small amount i will take a day. but my whole salary, i will have it spent by the day before the next pay day.

its crazy!!!

I need help.

meetings

I hate meetings. i just can't stand them. I hate sitting around a long table, trying to make sense of all the intimidating things that the tall fair gorgeous Indian is saying..sitting shivering in the cold room, sipping a terrible tea..urgh. i just hate it. i want to be sitting in my work station , blogging. ( ok now they are going to fire me ) its not so much the content of the discussion that bothers me. it is sitting next to other people.. on top of being claustrophobic ( why i hate the board room) it nearly kills me to be around so many people at the same time. some almost sitting in MY personal bubble sharing notes with me. and i can almost smell their perfume. get away from me !!!! their have been times i have excused myself a couple of times and gone out just so i can breath .

which reminds me..some of the bloggers are meeting up today..

I like the blogging community , more or so because it is nothing personal. i mean i would not have anyone killing themselves , and i might even be worried sick about some people's sanity but we don't need to be personal about it. do we?

i want to meet the bloggers too. but ..it clashes with my safety zone.

Maybe some other time..when i am more comfortable sitting around a table.

denial

when you have lived long enough telling your self you don't want something , you start not wanting it at some God damned point. then you are lulled in to your cozy little shell of denial and no logic right or wrong can save you. you tell yourself, it is time. now maybe you could have a piece of that cake coz u seem to have lost so much of weight since 9th grade but suddenly you don't want it. ( the peice of cake is just an example )


" you are not more than i need. you are more than i am used to" - I don't remeber who said it, but it is true.

tagged ...(things that make me happy)

erm..slight problem. These are the days of being depressed. very very hard to come with things that makes me happy..but hey , maybe i need this.

1. My dog.
2. Those 2 people who make me a Middle Child.
3. hanging out with The Blissfully Ignorant person , who is here by tagged and the evil cousin sister, Hamead, and a handful other insane acquaintances.
4. Jason Wade
5. Post cards
6. Plain tea
7. A good book ( to know that i finally own it )
8. Anything to do with chocolates
9. A good clean fight
10. Mount Lavinia

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

11. A long walk
12 . Shopping with my sister ( it is the sequence that fascinates me. Shoes, books and movies )
13. The random pretty dress
14. Sponge Bob Sqaure Pants
15. the aimless drive with my brother
16. The family who lives in the house of God
17. To hear Ace play
18. The sunday paper ;)


:D ok so i went to town with this list..i can think of a lot more..maybe i am not that depressed after all.

Thank you D.

3.30pm

the day was one of them. just didn't make sense, nor did it go anywhere..nothing happened other than work and a few hundred emails..and a lousy looking cake on Boss's table with a name of an electronic media partner on it.

3.00pm. ..check blog. check mail. double check plan. send to client.

wait.

comes 3.30 pm. a famialiar clunk clunk...a twisted smile appears from the door.

ah. the height of my day.

The plain tea has come.

and they claim to be friends

I am pissed. I am more pissed than I was last saturday when my father made me come home at 11.30pm , more pissed than I was when that idiot disappeared, and more pissed than I can handle right now.

she who claims to be a friend goes and talks to people on my MSN list. I hate this petty issues. I have bigger things to worry about. but no, someone you would dare to trust does not have the decency to log out from your MSN when you used it at her place.

I dont know who she talked to OR what she said. and it hardly matters. what bugs me is her nerve to call me tell me that she did some damage. so watch out , she says.

for all i know it is a prank. she is pulling my leg. oh how i hope she is pulling my leg!!!

But even if it is a joke, i think it is the meanest of all jokes that has been played on me .

It makes me want to walk up to her house , which is quite far away btw, and break her bones.

P.S

My brother told me he can't even think of an enemy of his who would do this to him when i told him what has happened.

I envy you ( A belated note to someone who may never see it )

I envy you for all the colors you are probably seeing..all the blacks and the whites…from where you stand..does the world seem a little beneath you? Do we all look like egg shells? While the wind ruffles your hair and the sun light falls on your eyes , do you smile your charming smile ?...at your next prey?

When you walk with your head held high , was it me that you passed by but you chose not to smile at? Hey, after all it is your smile ..you could chose who you want to flash it at. I envy your honesty, when you said you end up using people , you ended up living right up to your word.

I envy your guts. Guts to let go. Guts never to say “hey this isn’t working out” Guts to entertain so many people…I know , I know, life is one big party. Yeah yeah..I also envy your logic. It turns out I was the rude one. I just don’t remember disappearing you know. So forgive me if I was a little worked up that you had completely vanished. Oh I am sorry, it was you I saw with that totally hot woman in your car right? Oh what? I am sorry, I am just plain dumb. Of course that was your sister !!

I envy your indifference. It must be a dying art..I also envy your inhumane ways. Dumping people at your will, and moving on to your next big adventure. No no, you are perfectly adorable at the dinner table. Don’t you worry about a thing. No woman will see you for who are , with your chivalry.

So I guess you are what they call an intellectual snob. I mean you know what you are doing. You are the pro of the game. OH WAIT. You are not that . you , apparently , are what they like to refer to as “ a complete jackass”. Hey I didn’t say that. They did. and I still envy you. Jackass sounds like such a popular thing to be.

A cutlet from canteen ruined my life

I hate doctors. not so much as the hospitals, but i am pretty sure i hate them. yesterday one of them, with the intention of saving my life poked me in my stomach when I , the patient , with terrible pains in my tummy showed him exactly where it hurts. Nooo, he had to make sure. "there, is it??" "OUCH"

anyways it turns out i am down with Diarrhea. Yep, loose motion and gag reflex and loooots of cramps in my tummy. PLUS gastritis like effects..I blame this on my father. I instinctively wrinkle my nose at canteen food except for the occasional Chinese roll, coz he is such a home made food person and has got me hooked on all his delicious meals . But i tell u , in this moment in time i cant even talk about food without my stomach cramping in protest. The thing is on a particularly very hungry moment on Monday evening , i gave way to an impulse and had little bit of something to eat from our canteen.a cutlet to be precise.

it had to be my paranoia that brought me to this. The colleague who ate with me seems as , if not even more, bubbly as always...

And so i have been living on liquids for a couple of days now. and stayed at home today of course.

I haven;t had time or space to miss work coz I got about a dozen calls inquiring how i am and what i should be doing and should not, which is really nice , but i wish i was left alone in my misery to sleep in..and my boss also called to check how i am , and i asked him whether there were any issues and he quickly went on to say that there were none, but the client requires certain information, so ...yeah..he told the client to wait until tomorrow so that i could analyse the damned thing and give it to him. i guess i will going to wok tomorrow..

my brother was really nice..brought me a dozen bottles of Mango nectar...I didn't complain coz i was threatened to be taken to the doctor again if i was not taking enough fluids. i say, fathers !!!

so yeah i know..this has been pretty ugly public post..but i had to write..

see u on the other side all you healthy people..I hate you now..but i will come around..

The relief of loneliness

phew.

I think I am done. Done with the over running of emotions, the melodrama, the out pouring of affection , the melted down barriers and heck, I am glad to be back.

Was getting too fond of the outside world. You know that house? it could have killed us both. the cynicism being evaporated little by little , the continuous dizziness which was not particularly unpleasant and the laughing out loud and the smiling to one self has thus come to an end.

I feel around in the dark for those cold cold walls around me. I can now safely smile coz I know they are still there. I did not under any given circumstances need the drama. The last intention was to hurt feelings but that's just what happened, i was proven that my convictions have always been true and learnt again that i need to trust that little voice at the back of my head. so what if the whole thing was darned nice.

I like it here. I am familiar with the place. I know every crack of the walls. ..I now know these cracks...they are going to keep me sane.

what i saw on my way to work today

1. A blind man
2. A really short man with humungous blisters all over his face selling sweep tickets
3. A blind man
4. A guy with such hair that made me think of a parakeet
5. A monk
6. A guy in a bright green turtle neck with a white shirt on top who looked as if he was stuffed
7. A family with a Golden Retriver , a beautiful preganant lady with jet black long hair and her extremely good looking husband.
8. A man with a broken hand.

My May Day

2 graphs. “Imposition of a unit tax..This…is the earlier price…” His voice trails off. .my team mate in the farthest corner of my row texts me..”what??????”

It is a beautiful day outside. Not too sunny, not too cloudy..a little wind..right in the middle of Kolpetty.

“Excess supply can’t be sustained..” I tear my eyes away from the road below this nicely furbished, air conditioned building and look at him. The bold guy with a doctorate and a clear no nonsense voice which trails off..just like my attention.

And here I am blogging away in the middle of my Economics of Public Policy class ( I know . so posh !! ) Not that I have a computer, nor my phone has internet ( I KNOW !!! ) what I do have is my notebook and its’ back page..

Now I think it is highly weird and kinda cool for the guys who built this place to be so fashionable about it. All rooms are white , and has just one side wall in a different colour. And matching chairs. Today it is Red. One read wall, lots of Red chairs. Last week it was blue. And the week before, green. U get the picture right ? It is very catchy , I tell ya that. Ace would agree with me Im sure..He would probably take a look around his own room in perfect glee while reading this I bet.

It is May Day. The beautiful 1^st of May.

And here I am , a proud (over worked and under paid) member of the working class, sitting in the consistency of boredom and air conditioning. It is killing me !! I mean being under paid. Oh and the boredom too.

I went home for lunch. Don’t ask me why but from Kolpetty to Police Park , it is no big deal. Matter of 150 bucks and a bit of a walk inside the high security zone.

The remarkable thing about my walk home from the barriers where the high security zone starts, was the humongous choppers that had been landed to the Police grounds . there were 2. One full black , the other in that weird mixture of greens and browns. There were a few dozen Air Force people scattered around the area. ..this being the May Day and everything..Mr president was probably going somewhere..OR not. I couldn’t care less.

It was a sight to behold !! Some of these Air Force people, ahmm, very good looking ones too, were in my way…looking all too cool,..and I , suddenly didn’t want to be in my ragged Levis or my baggy T shirt and my so unflattering pony tail..i wanted to be in a summer dress with long flowing hair..sighh..oh well. And there they were in their neatly chopped off hair and perfect blue uniforms. And Shades. Every one of them were wearing shades. That was totally weird !!! Hell , they were wearing Aviators.!!! I should have known !!! I mean , hello !!! what else are they supposed to wear? SO …these really good looking guardian angels of my country in their aviators were standing next to those choppers and I tell you , that big black Chopper, oh it was beautiful..it took my breath away !!!

That walk home for lunch made my mundane May Day. I worked my brain away at an Economics class, saw a bunch of good looking people ( In Aviators ) and saw a big black chopper that took my breath away. My May Day totally rocked .